Today Is One Of Those Days

Today has been interesting crazy absolutely insane.

It started off calmly enough.  I was up early due to my fibromyalgia pain.  I hung out with Emma (who was also up early) and watched TV for a little while and then went to spend some time in God's word and journaling.  Off to a good start, right?

Then I remembered I had billing to complete.  No big deal, certainly something I could easily get done by the deadline.  I started printing the reports I needed and while those printed, I made myself a bagel.  And that was the end of the reasonably calm, normal day.

My 7-year old had Cool Whip for breakfast.  After laying down a strict rule of "absolutely no Amazon shopping on the laptop", both girls were plugged into the laptop about 15 minutes later searching Amazon for dolls and skateboards and sneakers and whatever else little girls like to shop for.

My 13-year old son rolled out of bed around noon, still barely awake.  He then proceeded to smack the dog on the head, which started an argument...of course. Another mom win (insert sarcasm here)!

I got completely distracted by Facebook, the TV, my blog, a FB quiz, and various and sundry other things around the house.

I sent the girls out to play-which lasted all of 4 minutes.  The littlest one (7-year old Kenzie) found was chased by her older (10-year old Emma) sister with a worm and refused to go back outside.  Just as I got that handled, the little came back in screaming about some spiky bug on the porch that was "freaking her out".  I finally gave up on outside play and told them to go clean their room.  I am confident they are currently NOT doing that.

So it is now 2:15 pm and I have barely gotten started on my work deadline.  I have no make up on and am wearing clothes that could double as pajamas.  I have eaten a grand total of 1 bowl of frozen peaches and a Pepsi.

Some days I just want to push the "done" button and move on.  Today is one of those days.

Blessings,
Meri

So it is now 2:12 pm and I have keyed exactly 3 claims (out of about 80).

Momma's Psalm

I often reach out to my sweet Momma on spiritual issues.  Of course I consult my husband first, but sometimes a girl just needs to talk to her momma.

My Momma is brave and wise and an excellent example of a Proverbs 31 woman.  She is not perfect, but she is humble.  She is caring and compassionate.  Even as she has endured cancer, radiation, pain, and vascular surgery, she thinks of others first.  She is a prayer warrior.

She is a giver.  This is the gift she gave me as I have struggled with chronic illness, secondary infertility, financial struggles, and just the general struggles of a wife and mother of 3.

Psalm 139

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.

 You know my sitting down and my rising up; 

You understand my thought afar off.

 You comprehend my path and my lying down, 

and are acquainted with all my ways.

 For there is not a word on my tongue, 

but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

and laid You hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; 

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend into heave You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea.

Even there Your hand shall lead me, 

and Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"

Even the night shall be light around me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works, 

and that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You, 

when I was made in secret,

and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they were all written. 

The days fashioned for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If i should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

when I awake, I am still with You.

Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!

Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.

For they speak against You wickedly;

You enemies take Your name in vain.

Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?

I hate them with perfect hatred; 

I count them with my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me, 

And lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank You

I don't appreciate what you do for me every day of our lives, dear husband.  I don't thank you for all the little things you remember to do and think of when I forget.  I complain too much.  I am not grateful for the way you express your love.

So I want to thank you for:

Constantly running to the grocery store, pharmacy, Starbucks, Panera, and all over town to satisfy the desires of your wife.

Buying me flowers, even when we are in the middle of a "disagreement"

Letting me control the TV remote-all.the.time.

...and watching hours of research programs true crime murder shows with me.

You encourage me to rest when there is work to be done.  You take on the burden of my work when my body is not able.

You bring me lunch, even when it is inconvenient.

You love me when I am angry and lashing out at you.

You pump my gas for me.  That is HUGE.

You change the sheets on the beds because you know that it hurts my hands to have to pull them tight.

I can't even count all of the ways you love me each and every day.  I have mistakenly desired the "romantic love" of movies and romance books.  I have been lured into the false belief that flowers and romantic gestures of the romantic movie variety are what will make me feel loved.  I fight these feelings, knowing that God teaches of a different type of love, a love of commitment, servitude, and mutual submission.  However, far too often, I find myself desiring the more worldly expressions of love.

So today, I want to thank you.  For loving me in so many ways that I cannot count them all.  For striving to be a man after God's heart by loving me in the way God has instructed in His word.

I tend to be a little stubborn, so I don't always appreciate you the way I should.  On those days when I am being difficult, remember this post, remember that deep down, I know that all you do for me comes from a place of love.

Love forever and always,
Your Wife

Not Yet

Another month. Another "no".

It is hard.  My heart aches.  My body aches.  I don't want this.  I want a baby, not another "no".

Today I am just feeling sad.  I had hope that this would be the month.  The month we would celebrate.  The month we would prepare for a new life.  But it is not this month.

I start to think, what if it is never?  What if there is no future hope that there will be "the month"?

Then I feel guilty.  I have 3 amazing blessings from God.  Do I deserve 1 more?  Why am I not content with what I have?

I whisper to my God "Why not now?" and He gently whispers back "Because My timing is perfect and I want the best for you." 

I find comfort in my Heavenly Father.  I seek His face and find contentment there.  I find peace and comfort.  I find grace and love.

On days like today, when my heart is full of guilt, pain, and sadness, I draw near to Him.  I seek comfort in His word.  I also veg out on the couch and eat chocolate, but that is another topic.

I am reminded, gently, by my Heavenly Father, that His grace is all I need.  That it is okay to be weak, because in my weakness, He is made great.

This month is not the month.  We may never experience the joy of another "month".  We have had the joy of welcoming 3 precious lives into this world and 1 in to Heaven's nursery.  That may be all God has in store for us.  But my heart still longs for 1 more.  Maybe because I want to fill the void left by the loss of Baby Sophie.  Maybe because I am selfish. 

Maybe because God has laid it on my heart that our family is not finished-but the completion may be through ways I don't yet understand.  My human brain is so limited, I cannot see the glory God has in store for us.  I only see 1 answer to my prayers when God may have something beyond my imagination in store.

So today I will curl up in my Father's lap and lay my head on His shoulder and rest on His promises.  I will cherish my children and husband and count my blessings.  I will mourn my Sophie and have hope for the future.  I will trust in His promises and know that He has something exceedingly, abundantly more than I can think or imagine in store for me.

Blessings,
Meri

To My Son on Your 13th Birthday

Today my firstborn, Logan, turned 13.  I am still in denial that I could possibly be the mother of a teenager!

I have a very special connection with this child that made me a mommy for the first time.  He is very much like me when I was a child, but he is also such an individual.  I love him desperately and deeply.  I want to protect him, but I also want him to experience life and make his own mistakes.  I pray that he is able to learn some of the harder life lessons just by trusting his father and I, but I know he is so much like me that it is unlikely that will happen.

So, Logan, on your 13th birthday-here are some things I want you to know.  Things I want you to carry with you and develop throughout your life.

• Be accountable.  Take responsibility for your actions, even your mistakes.  Fulfill your responsibilities and promises you make.  Don't shirk your duty as a son, husband, father, brother, man of God.
• Respect authority.  All authority.  Even if you disagree with how your boss or teacher or supervisor wants something done, respect the position.  That being said, never compromise on your morals.  You know right from wrong, if it feels wrong-pray about it.  Take it to God's word and seek His guidance.  Bring it to your father or I and we will happily guide you to the best of our ability.
• Trust us.  We love you and will always be in your corner, encouraging you, praying for you, guiding you to the best of our ability.  I have learned from personal experience-parents get smarter as you get older.  Truth be told, we have always been that smart, it just takes time for you children to realize it!  We truly have your best interest at heart at all times and we are seeking God's guidance on how to instruct you.  No one on this earth will ever love you the way we do.
• Work hard.  Always give 100% effort in all you do.  I know this has been a particular challenge for you and your father and I will continue to work with you to develop this character quality.  It is so important to be known for having a good work ethic.  It will take you far in life if people know they can always count on you to do a good job.
• Be honest.  Always tell the truth. No exceptions. That is all.
• Surround yourself with the right people.  Choose your friends wisely, they can have a huge influence on your life-good or bad.  Specifically, surround yourself with godly men in the spirit of iron sharpens iron.
• Choose purity.  I know-this is really uncomfortable, especially coming from Mom.  I will keep it brief....save that most intimate of moments, that most intimate part of you, for the woman you will spend your entire life with.  You deserve it.  She deserves it.  God commands it.
• Cherish your siblings.  Your sisters (and any future siblings) have been with you almost your entire life.  There is no one who knows you better, loves you more, or knows more of your secrets-so be careful, treat them well!  All joking aside, your sisters will learn how a man is to treat a woman by your example, make sure you set the bar high.  Protect them, insist they cherish themselves the way we cherish them.  Don't let them settle for less than they deserve.  Know who they are friends with and who they are courting.  Get to know their friends and more importantly, get to know the young men they are interested in.  Treat your sisters well so that when you share your opinions, they will value them appropriately.

• Walk closely with God.  Your relationship with your Heavenly Father should be the most important one in your life.  Spend time with Him daily.  Pray, talk to Him, share with Him.  Come to us with questions, talk to us about your walk.  We want to know where you are, even if it is not where you want to be.  
• Be gentle.  Be strong and manly, but temper it with gentleness.  Especially with the women in your life.  Gentleness is necessary to communicate in and intimate way that transcends general conversation.  Gentleness does not equal weakness.
• Choose joy.  You know how important this is to me.  This is our family motto-CHOOSE JOY and LOVE IS EVERYTHING.  Every day, every moment, in every situation you have a choice.  Choose joy.  
• Take care of your body.  Learn to exercise self-control when it comes to your physical health.  Eat a salad every now and then, choose water instead of soda, take a walk instead of playing the X-box.  I know we have not been the best examples of a healthy lifestyle, but I am hopeful that you can break the cycle.  We are in this together and will support you in whatever you choose to do in order to take care of your body.
• Forgive quickly.  Be patient.  There are very few things that are "unforgivable".  Remember that we are to forgive others as God forgave us.  I know I have been forgiven abundantly by my Heavenly Father.  You never know how long you have with a person here on earth, don't waste time holding grudges.  Forgiveness has very little to do with the offender, it is an action that frees the offended from the chains of anger and frustration.  Bitterness only destroys the vessel that contains it, don't let anger and bitterness destroy you from the inside out.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

To My Husband

My love,

First and foremost, I thank God for you each and every day.  I can't imagine doing this thing called life with anyone but you.

I am emotional.  I cry at TV commercials and cartoon movies.  My emotions are unpredictable, even to me.  However, my tears are genuine-never intended to elicit a response or manipulate you in any way.  Thank you for putting up with my emotional roller coaster.

I have a chronic illness.  It is exhausting.  It is painful.  It drains my energy.  It has the potential to drain my joy.  But you endure.  You show me compassion and concern even when we are both tired of hearing that I am in pain for the 3rd, 4th, 10th day in a row.

I am not brave.  You are brave for both of us.  You keep me safe in your arms when we are facing scary new things.

I feel ugly sometimes.  You constantly remind me that I am beautiful to you.  You wrap your arms around me and whisper "you are beautiful" in my ear.



I get lost.  I stray from my walk with Christ.  I put space between myself and Him when I should be drawing nearer to Him.  You help me find my way.  You remind me that the answers I seek are in God's word.  You encourage me to seek Him when what I really want to do is hide from Him.

I am irrational.  I want things I cannot have and do  not need.  I seek solace in the things of this world, rather than seeking my Father's face to comfort me.  You are the voice of reason in my life.  You gently guide me back to the path of rationality.

I doubt myself.  Often. Daily.  But you believe in me.  You encourage me to go outside of my box.  You stand by me and support me when I am required to leave the safety and comfort of what I know and love and step out on faith alone.  You are my biggest fan.



We are not perfect, we both make mistakes.  We lose our way and find it again.  But we are always in this together and I am so very thankful for that!

Love you forever and always! #choosejoy #loveiseverything

Meri

An Open Letter to Anna Duggar

To my dear sister in Christ, fellow wife, mother, and daughter,

My heart aches for you and your family.  Not because of whatever sin your husband may have committed in the past, but for the microscope you and your family are now under and for the backlash from certain portions of our society.  I have always been somewhat in awe of how you have lived your life.  Your dedication to your faith, your husband and your family is inspiring. Your grace under the pressure of this unenviable situation speaks volumes about your character and the character of your husband.

I have always been a fan of the Duggar family and have been honored to watch the relationship between you and Josh develop and to watch your family grow over the past few years.  It is encouraging to me to see a family with strong Christian values live according to their convictions in the midst of a culture that is turning further and further away from these values every day.

Your strength of character is evident in your support of your husband during this challenging time.  I have seen may characteristics of the quintessential "Proverbs 31" woman in you as you have navigated many challenging situations. 

My sweet sister in Christ, please know that you are not alone.  I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I completely support you and your family.  I am praying daily for peace and wisdom for you and your husband.

Love & Prayers,
Meri