Ephiphany

 

I had an epiphany last night.

 

When Logan died, I was working remotely as an independent contractor for a revenue cycle management company.

 

Just over a year ago, right before the pandemic hit, I started a new job that required some travel.

 

At first, I loved the travel. I loved being out of the house, wearing something other than “yoga” pants (which, by the way, have NEVER been used for yoga…), meeting and interacting with new people. This is somewhat surprising as I am a complete introvert.

 

Enter COVID-19.

 

Because I work in healthcare and have multiple chronic illnesses that cause me to be immunocompromised, my doctor wrote me out of traveling while my state was under a mandatory “stay-at-home” order. This lasted from mid-March 2020 to the end of May 2020.

 

During this time, I fell back into my WAHM habits and busted out the yoga pants and day pajamas again.

 

When the “stay-at-home” order was lifted, I was able to travel again. But this time it was different.

 

I have struggled for the past 7 months to maintain the amount of travel required for my job. I would much rather be at home. I get physically and mentally ill at the thought of leaving, especially if I need to stay overnight.

 

I couldn’t figure it out…why? I had no problem before the pandemic. Why was it so hard now? I am 42 years old, why can’t I just get in my car and go?

 

Last night, it hit me.

 

If I leave my house, someone in my family may be dead when I get back.

 

Wait, what?!

 

On 1/2/18, I left my house. I left 2 of my children (ages 13 and 15) home alone while I took my youngest to a riding lesson. My husband was already on his way home so there would only be about 20-30 minutes when the kids were REALLY alone.

 

During that 20-30 minutes, my 15 year old son shot himself in the head in our bathroom.

 

Somewhere in my brain, there is a voice that tells me that if I leave my house, someone could die.

 

Shit.

 

How do I deal with this?