I called out sick from work with a migraine.
I do not have a migraine.
What I did have was a terrible panic attack that started at
about 6 am and lasted for over 4 hours.
But I can’t tell my boss that. I can’t reveal a mental
illness and expect that to be a valid excuse for using my PTO.
Read that again.
I CAN’T USE MY MENTAL ILLNESS TO TAKE A SICK DAY.
There is something so wrong about that statement.
Things my high-functioning anxiety causes:
·
When someone doesn’t reply right away, I think I
have done something wrong
·
When someone shows concern about me, I become
more worried about the same thing
·
I go to bed late and wake up early
·
I obsess over things other people probably don’t
even notice
·
I replay conversations in my head…over and over
and over
·
I am consumed by every mistake I make and continually
beat myself up over it
·
I know I am capable, but I don’t really believe
in myself
·
In every situation, the worst case scenario is
my primary thought
·
Sometimes I am too mentally and physically
exhausted to get out of bed
·
I am good under pressure and work hard, but I
still procrastinate
·
Periods of procrastination are followed by long
periods of hard work to the point of burn out
·
I want to be social, but when the time comes I
feel dread and want to cancel
·
I overthink and overwork due to the fear of
failure
·
I always…always feel like I am disappointing
someone
·
I struggle to believe people genuinely like me
I think the worst part is the guilt. When I can’t make
myself get in the car and go to work at one of my facilities, I feel
guilty-like I am letting everyone down. I question my value, as a person, wife,
mother, employee. I am starting to understand some of the psychological reasons
that make it difficult to be on the road, but I am nowhere near knowing how to
solve them.
Some people would argue that I should just push through. What
they do not understand is that is not always possible. Anxiety manifests
physically in me. I shake, my heart races, my muscles tense, my chest hurts. I
physically cannot safely operate a motor vehicle.
We have to do better. We have to normalize mental illness.
We have to offer valid and effective treatment options. We have to help
patients get the help they need. We have to stop dismissing it. We have to stop
equating mental illness with weakness. We have to stop glorifying “pushing
through”.
The strange thing is that, as someone who suffers with
anxiety, you would think I would know how to recognize and deal with it in
others, especially my own family. But I am not always very good at that.
The worst thing someone having an anxiety attack or even
just heightened anxiety can experience (besides the anxiety itself) is lack of
understanding from their loved ones.
Some things that help me during an anxiety attack:
·
Patience…please be patient with me and please
don’t pepper me with questions
·
Understanding…please know that I do not know
what (for the most part) is causing my anxiety. Yes, there are triggers, but sometimes
anxiety happens for absolutely no logical reason.
·
Quiet…When I am anxious, I become
hyper-sensitive to my environment, especially noise (which can be a real
challenge with 2 teenagers and 3 dogs).
·
Breathing…Sometimes I just have to remind myself
to breath in and breath out. Slowly and repetitively.
·
Comfort items…watching a favorite TV show or
movie, reading a favorite book, even changing into more comfortable clothing.
(fun fact-people with anxiety tend to watch the same TV shows and movies and read
the same books over an over because they already know the ending).
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