I Am Not Strong

I have heard repeatedly over the past few months people complimenting me on how strong I am, how I am setting a good example for my girls, how I am supporting my husband, how I am coping with this unspeakable loss.

Let me let you in on a little secret of mine....

I AM NOT STRONG

I am setting the best example for my girls that I know how because I don't have a choice. I cannot stop being their mom just because their brother is no longer with us. But, I am also constantly working to put on a smile, or at least a facade of having my shit together when I am railing inside. When I am so completely lost and broken that I have no idea what to do or who to turn to.

I am supporting my husband because that is what wives do. That is my job. He has supported me through years of chronic pain and illness and now it is my turn. I don't know where the strength to do this comes from, but I press on each day.

I am not coping with the devastating, life-destroying loss of my only son. I am simply pushing it away until such time that I have the time and space to truly comprehend what has happened.

I am surviving (barely).  I have heard all of the advice-go back to church, get counseling, take care of yourself, talk to a friend.

I tried going back to church, but I have only been able to make it one Sunday in the past 2 months.

I know I should get counseling, but I am not ready to open up yet. I know that's not the right answer, but it is my truth.

I don't have time to take care of myself. My job still has to be done, my family still has to be fed and clothed and cared for. My girls still have riding lessons and horse shows. My husband still needs intensive therapy to deal with his PTSD. I quite literally, have no time to think of anything that would fall into the category of  "self-care".

I have a few good friends that check in on me from time to time. I have some wonderful, caring friends who are always there when I need them. The problem is that I am not very good at sharing my pain. Sometimes I don't want to burden others. Sometimes I am afraid of what their response might be. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to talk about any of it.

Grief is messy. Life is messy. There is nothing easy or standard about any of this.

So there you have it....I AM NOT STRONG. I AM NOT OKAY. I AM NOT A ROLE MODEL. I AM A HOT MESS. And right now...that's as good as it's going to get.

Blessings,
Meri