Questions and Stages

It's been almost 6 weeks since we lost our oldest son to suicide.  But, it still feels so very surreal-as if he is going to walk in the door at any time, smelling like cigarettes (as if we wouldn't catch on that he had been smoking), or knock on our bedroom door early on a weekend morning asking if he could hang out with friends (and of course, he would need one of us to drive him).

I still have so many questions on how to live my life with this gaping hole where Logan used to be.

"How many children do you have?"

• 4-Logan (in Heaven), Emma, Mackenzie, and Sophie (in Heaven). Do I want to explain why I say 4 and only have 2 here with me?
• 3-Logan (in Heaven), Emma and Mackenzie. Again, do I want to explain that Logan is no longer with us?
• 2-Emma and Mackenzie.  But am I dishonoring Logan by not including him?

When I had my baby shower for Mackenzie, a dear friend of mine read a poem about becoming a "mother of three". We felt like our little family was complete with the addition of that sweet baby girl. Little did I know, that 10 years later our family would change dramatically.

"What ages are your children?"

• 15, 12 & 10. But not really because Logan is gone now.
• 12 & 10. But not really because I have another child who is just not with us now.

I know the stages of grief-denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.

But what I never understood is that these do not necessarily happen in the above order. 

Some days I am still in denial, I cannot believe he is really gone. 

For the most part, I have not experienced anger since those first few terrible hours. 

I have gone over and over in my head, what could I have done differently that day or in the weeks and months leading up to that day. I could have taken all 3 kids to the barn. I could have waited until Rick got home to leave. I could have made sure that gun was better hidden. I could have...should have...would have.  I have come to accept that no matter how much I dwell on these thoughts, it will not change my reality.

I have not felt as depressed as I have just plain old sadness.  I do see myself slipping into depression at times and I am thankful for my amazing, strong husband who does his best to pull me out of those moments. Sometimes I just need to mourn and cry to let out some of the pain that has settled into my soul.

I have not achieved acceptance. Not yet. But someday I will. Someday the good  memories will be what I hold onto and they will not be painful, but rather bring me peace.

Blessings,

Meri