So. It's been a minute.
Okay. More than a minute.
So here's what's been going on. What no one tells you about losing a child. What nothing can prepare you for and I, personally, have no idea how to recover from.
Collateral damage.
Friends vanish. Or slowly fade away.
I have plenty of online "friends". Lots of people that comment or like my social media posts. Some that even text or message. I have a few that I even see in person on occasion...mostly my amazing barn family.
But I don't have consistent, meaningful interaction very often. In fact, it's incredibly rare.
A meet up at a coffee house. A cup of tea at home. Lunch. A simple home visit. I am desperate for these interactions.
Another lovely side effect of trauma is that you are always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Once the absolute worst possible thing has actually occurred in your life, all bets are off. Anything is possible, and not in a positive sense of the word.
I find myself constantly going directly to the worst case scenario. I constantly fear for the safety of my living children.
The final unexpected side effect (at least for us) was financial.
Yep...this is going to get awkward. I am going to talk about money and how experiencing trauma can negatively impact your financial stability.
If we are being honest here, we would not have survived 2019 without the help of my parents and some wonderful friends. Job loss, poor decision making (a common side effect of grief), and piles of medical bills sent us into a downward spiral.
Thankfully, we are slowly, but surely, recovering. But, experiencing that time of instability, of not always knowing if we could keep the electricity on or even properly feed our family, has led to hyper-vigilance when it comes to our family finances now.
The hardest of all of these, for me, is the loneliness. I am not one to reach out. It is hard for me to put myself out there for fear of being hurt or disappointed. But, I desperately need the human contact. I need to spend time in the company of friends. I need that face-to-face interaction.
So, if you know someone who has experienced loss....don't give up on them. They may be quiet. They may even be cold. They may seem closed off to the world. But, they are just protecting their shattered heart.
-m
