Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Our Brand Is Crisis

First-A Disclaimer:
This is real. This is raw. This is transparent. 



Last night we met with a counselor. A trauma counselor.

In speaking with her, it is evident that for the past 3 years, our lives have been a series of crises strung together with fleeting moments of normalcy.

In late 2014, both Rick and I lost our jobs. As a result, we lost our home and one of our vehicles.

This seems to be the catalyst that sparked a series of events that have made the past 3 years incredibly traumatic.

After losing what I thought would be our "forever home", we moved to an old home in a "transitional" part of the city.  Rick had gotten a new job and I was starting to make more money working from home as an independent contractor.  We wanted to make sure we could easily afford the rent, so we (mostly me) chose a home that turned out to be, well.....a nightmare. The final straw was when a man overdosed on drugs in the driveway of the vacant house next door to ours.  We broke the lease and chose to move into a smaller, but significantly nicer and safer apartment in a neighboring town.

In 3 years we have moved 3 times. 

We are now in a home, albeit a rental, in our desired town and desired neighborhood.  A home that fits our needs perfectly.

In the spring of 2016, I had a hysterectomy after a year of ER visits, terrible pain and desperately trying to find a doctor that could help me.

A couple of months later, my husband had gastric surgery in July 2016.

I have to pause here and explain something.  I have a couple of chronic health problems that lead to chronic pain.  I have spent the past 8 years trying to manage this. It is hard. I mean really hard.  

Now that that's out of the way....

One month prior to my hysterectomy, our son attempted suicide.

That was harder than anything I had experienced. Ever.

A few months later, he injured his shoulder at summer camp. We spent the next 10 months trying to get his shoulder injury resolved, culminating in surgery to repair his torn labrum in April 2017.

In February 2017, we moved from our 1400 sq foot apartment (which was lovely, but rather small for a family of 5 plus a dog) to our current home.  

In July 2017, my husband had surgery to fuse 3 vertebrae in his neck.

On September 19, 2017, we received word that my father-in-law had passed away.  He had been sick for several years following 2 strokes.  While you can try to prepare for the loss of a parent, you are never ready. We are still trying to process this loss.

In early October 2017, our son attempted suicide. Again. I cannot tell you how those words break my heart.

So...why am I telling you all of this?  Why lay out the tragedies and trials of the past 3 years for you?

I have shame. I feel lost. I don't understand what has happened in our lives.  I am searching for answers and solutions. I desperately desire "normal".  But what is really my true desire?  I want one other mother-just one-who may be struggling with some of the same feeling, to know that she is not alone. To know that it is not her fault. To know that she does not have to carry the weight of her circumstances like an albatross around her neck, nor wear the trials of her family like a scarlet letter on her chest.




I have struggled with my faith in God.  That is the dark and ugly truth of this. I have questioned. I have raged. I have cried out.

God has not abandoned me, despite my anger and fear. I am just now starting to see my way back to Him, starting to feel like I can trust again.

I know that this is not what white-bread middle America Christians expect. I have even been told that the trials and tragedies we have experienced are a direct result of our sinfulness. As if God is handing out punishment for us not being "good enough"?

Sister-God does not dole out punishments based on how "good" or "bad" others perceive us to be. The entire premise of the Christian faith is that we cannot ever be "good enough" to earn our redemption, it is entirely through His grace, and that alone, that we are redeemed.

I don't know if we are going to see and end to these issues soon or ever.  We can only address them as they come.  And there are other issues that have gone on and continue to go on in the background of all of this.  But, we have faith-in God and each other. Faith that tomorrow is a new day.

Blessings,
Meri


Monday, October 9, 2017

Last Night.....

Last night my son slit his wrist.

Writing those words, seeing them in black and white, takes my breath away.

The cut was horizontal, not near an artery, superficial, and required no stitches. 

We have struggled for the past 2 years to help our teen-aged son manage his depression and anxiety.  These illnesses are as real as any physical ailment, they simply attack a part of our bodies that is still very much a mystery to modern medicine.

This event is the latest in what feels like an unending season of crisis in our lives.

Health problems, financial worries, the loss of my husband's father.  All of these things seem to pile on my heart and weigh it down until it feels like I am in a permanent state of emergency management.

But of all of our struggles, this battle with depression that my son has fought valiantly, is what I want the world (or at least our corner of it) to see.

See, the feeling I have been fighting since last night is one of guilt.

What did I do wrong?  What, as his mother, did I do (or fail to do) to cause this?  I am too hard on him? Not hard enough? Do I hug him enough?  Do I give him enough freedom?  Or too much freedom?

But what some sweet friends, and God's word, and a well-time post by one of my favorite bloggers reminded me of today is that depression is a disease and I have as much to do with it's symptoms as I do if it were a cancer or broken bone.

They also reminded me that before he was my son, he was God's.  And God is already working on this. He is there in the hospital room with my son. He is here in our home, calming and comforting my family. He is watching over my sweet boy and protecting his life and soul, even as my son wants nothing more than to give up on the life God gave him.

I am not sharing this for the sake of garnering pity for our situation, although I do covet your prayers for our family. 

I am sharing this in the hope that perhaps one person will read this and know they are not alone in their fight against mental illness.

I am sharing this int he hope that one mama will read this and know, if only for a moment, that she is not to blame for her child's struggle with depression. 

I am sharing this in the hope that someone may know that there is another option.

Suicide is not a choice, it is not a commitment. Suicide is the result of a terminal disease. 




www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1-800-273-8255

Blessings,
Meri

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Awareness

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month & Infant Loss and Miscarriage Awareness Month.

I am aware.

I am so very aware.

I am aware of both of these struggles every single day, not just the 31 days of the year that my FB and Instagram feeds turn pink and blue.

In November 2010, we lost our fourth baby to miscarriage.  I was never able to conceive again.

Every day I grieve for that child, for what could have been. So often I wonder what our lives would look like with 4 children and an active 6 year old in our lives.

A few years ago, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She has already lived longer than 80% of those that receive this diagnosis, but she will never be cured.

I try to prepare myself for life without her, but it is just beyond my ability to imagine it.

While this month brings awareness to these issues, some of us live with them every day.

Grief and loss is not something that happens to you and then stops.  It changes who you are at your very core.  It colors every thing you do, how you think, and how you process the world around you.

Next time you encounter someone who seems distant or cold, ill-tempered or irritable, or sad or angry-think about what burdens they may be carrying and be kind.

Blessings,
Meri

Defining Moments

  Everyone has THAT moment that defines their life. Some people have multiple moments. Sometimes these moments are not welcome, not what we ...