Defining Moments

 

Everyone has THAT moment that defines their life. Some people have multiple moments. Sometimes these moments are not welcome, not what we want. But they happen anyways.

 

So let me start with the most traumatic, life-defining, devastating event of my life.

 

On January 2, 2018 at 5:42 pm, I received a call from my husband. I was at the barn with our youngest daughter (who was 10 at the time). Our other daughter, 13, was at home.

 

My husband called and told me my friend was on her way to pick me up. I was confused…I had my car, why did she need to pick me up?

 

After several minutes of him desperately begging me to just trust him and come home with her, he finally blurted out the truth “Logan blew his brains out”. And that is how I learned that my son was dead.

 

I will spare you the minute-by-minute details of that night, although they are eternally ingrained in my memory. Like a movie in HD that I can call up at any time…even if I don’t really want to.

 

There were police, EMTs, neighbors, and chaos. My husband was literally wailing in the street. My wonderful neighbors had taken in our dog and oldest daughter. My youngest daughter stayed at the barn under the care of the barn manager until we could have a friend come pick her up.

 

There were police interviews, GSR tests, a hotel room provided by my husband’s employer. There was chaos, tears, very little sleep. One of the things that always sticks in my brain is having to tell my 10 year old daughter that her big brother, her hero, her protector-was never coming back.

 

My life will forever be divided into the “before” and “after”. Always.

Our son’s death came after several years of financial struggle, mental health issues (for him and us), and serious health issues. The road had been hard for so long, but I never expected that this was something that could happen to me, to us.

 

But, it did. And now I know there is no limit to the horror life can provide. There is no “enough”. Just when I thought it could not get worse, the bottom had fallen out completely.