Saturday, April 19, 2014

Reality Check

I was mad.  Angry.  For days.  I haven't slept well because I was so angry.  And I didn't tell him about it.  I said "nothing" every time he asked what was wrong.  I don't even know that I know what I was angry about, it was just a "feeling" I had that things weren't right between us and it ticked me off.  I was angry because I thought he was angry....maybe.

I was about to let loose all of this anger.  Tell him how I really felt and lay out all of the "perceived injustice" of the past few days.  I was going to let him have it.

Then I got the news.  My friend's husband had passed away after battling cancer for 5 years.  My friend from church youth group who is not so much older than me and has a little boy about the age of my youngest who is 6.  My friend who not so long ago said "in sickness and in health" and "until death do us part" probably thinking (like I did, and still do for the most part) that they had years, decades even, to spend together.  But reality was not so kind.

All of a sudden all of my "perceived injustice" showed it's face for what it really is....selfishness.  All of my anger evaporated in an instant and I found myself praying for peace for my friend and her young son as well as forgiveness and healing for my angry spirit.

The thought of losing my husband, the man I was recently so angry with that I could not sleep, takes my breath away.  I cannot imagine the pain of this type of loss.

So I will not be letting the angry words fly today.  I will not be "telling him how it is" or "laying him out".  I will be loving him.  I will be thanking God for every moment with him...even the ones that make me angry.

And I will be praying for my friend.