Until recently, those 4 letters had little impact on my life.
And then, suddenly, they became a part of our daily lives. Every minute of every day. Impacting every single aspect of our family life.
50%-the number of marriages that end in divorce in the United States.
70%-the number of marriages that end in divorce in the United States once PTSD enters the picture.
Obviously these are not hard and fast numbers, there are many variables that contribute to the success or demise of marriage. However, when you are living in the muck of PTSD, those statistics can be incredibly disheartening.
Our life, our story, is now divided into two distinct parts-the "before" and the "after". Before our son took his own life and after. Before PTSD invaded our marriage, our family, and after.
Some days, I can manage it all with ease (or at least the appearance of ease). I can be the partner that shoulders the burden and manages all of the intricacies of daily life with 2 girls, 2 dogs, jobs, horses, and a giant gaping hole in the middle of it. Some days, I find solutions and get it done.
Other days, not so much.
Being the spouse of a PTSD sufferer is a very lonely place much of the time. PTSD has stolen my partner, my co-parent, my best friend. And while I have many friends who I know are praying for us and are always willing to talk, PTSD is a special hell that only those who have experienced can possibly understand.
On September 30, 2000 I vowed to love my husband in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. I had no idea how those vows would be tested over the next 17+ years. As I studied and learned about God's plan for marriage, I set my mind and my heart to honoring those vows and determined to NEVER consider divorce.
Most of the time, I am able to clearly see through the muck and bumps in the road to the other side and recognize that, while this particular time may be trying, it is not worth ending my marriage over.
But lately, I wonder if we will be able to be part of the 30% that survive this PTSD invasion. Will we learn to live with the permanent changes it brings? Will we ever get to a place where PTSD is not the constant elephant in the room?
I am not giving up. I love my husband with everything that I am.I hate PTSD.
But I hold on to the hope that, in the end the love will be be stronger than the hate.
Blessings,
Meri
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