Mental Illness IS Illness

I called out sick from work with a migraine.

 

I do not have a migraine.

 

What I did have was a terrible panic attack that started at about 6 am and lasted for over 4 hours.

 

But I can’t tell my boss that. I can’t reveal a mental illness and expect that to be a valid excuse for using my PTO.

 

Read that again.

 

I CAN’T USE MY MENTAL ILLNESS TO TAKE A SICK DAY.

 

There is something so wrong about that statement.

 

Things my high-functioning anxiety causes: 

·         When someone doesn’t reply right away, I think I have done something wrong

·         When someone shows concern about me, I become more worried about the same thing

·         I go to bed late and wake up early

·         I obsess over things other people probably don’t even notice

·         I replay conversations in my head…over and over and over

·         I am consumed by every mistake I make and continually beat myself up over it

·         I know I am capable, but I don’t really believe in myself

·         In every situation, the worst case scenario is my primary thought

·         Sometimes I am too mentally and physically exhausted to get out of bed

·         I am good under pressure and work hard, but I still procrastinate

·         Periods of procrastination are followed by long periods of hard work to the point of burn out

·         I want to be social, but when the time comes I feel dread and want to cancel

·         I overthink and overwork due to the fear of failure

·         I always…always feel like I am disappointing someone

·         I struggle to believe people genuinely like me

 

I think the worst part is the guilt. When I can’t make myself get in the car and go to work at one of my facilities, I feel guilty-like I am letting everyone down. I question my value, as a person, wife, mother, employee. I am starting to understand some of the psychological reasons that make it difficult to be on the road, but I am nowhere near knowing how to solve them.

 

Some people would argue that I should just push through. What they do not understand is that is not always possible. Anxiety manifests physically in me. I shake, my heart races, my muscles tense, my chest hurts. I physically cannot safely operate a motor vehicle.

 

We have to do better. We have to normalize mental illness. We have to offer valid and effective treatment options. We have to help patients get the help they need. We have to stop dismissing it. We have to stop equating mental illness with weakness. We have to stop glorifying “pushing through”.

 

The strange thing is that, as someone who suffers with anxiety, you would think I would know how to recognize and deal with it in others, especially my own family. But I am not always very good at that.

 

The worst thing someone having an anxiety attack or even just heightened anxiety can experience (besides the anxiety itself) is lack of understanding from their loved ones.

 

Some things that help me during an anxiety attack:

·         Patience…please be patient with me and please don’t pepper me with questions

·         Understanding…please know that I do not know what (for the most part) is causing my anxiety. Yes, there are triggers, but sometimes anxiety happens for absolutely no logical reason.

·         Quiet…When I am anxious, I become hyper-sensitive to my environment, especially noise (which can be a real challenge with 2 teenagers and 3 dogs).

·         Breathing…Sometimes I just have to remind myself to breath in and breath out. Slowly and repetitively.

·         Comfort items…watching a favorite TV show or movie, reading a favorite book, even changing into more comfortable clothing. (fun fact-people with anxiety tend to watch the same TV shows and movies and read the same books over an over because they already know the ending).

Medication…I am sure this will cause some controversy, but when my anxiety is at it’s worst, my prescription anti-anxiety medication is the only thing that will break the cycle