Cancer Sucks

So, as you all know-cancer sucks.

Cancer sucks the life out of people and families.

Cancer sucks the air of lungs.

Cancer sucks mothers away from their children, husbands away from their wives, children away from their parents.

Cancer sucks the ability to bear children from young women.

Cancer sucks in so very many ways.

But there is something you can do to help cancer suck less.  To take the sucking power away from this terrible disease.

I have a dear friend, a sweet friend, a friend I have known for over 20 years and this friend's life and family have been touched by cancer.  I won't share the details as they are not mine to share, but because of how cancer has touched their lives, her husband (who is a pretty awesome guy) is going to ride 150 miles on his bike to raise money for cancer research so we can take the power away from cancer and give it to cancer survivors and so that one day, may in just a generation or two, cancer will be something they talk about like we do smallpox today-eradicated from the face of the earth.

This mighty man is joining other biking legends in the Ride to Conquer Cancer.  He has committed to raise $2500 for cancer research and ride 150 miles on his bike to show his commitment to this cause.

Seriously, y'all-150 miles.  I don't even like to drive 150 miles.  I probably couldn't ride a bike 150 feet without getting winded.  This guy is my hero. 

I.can't.even.

Sometime, somewhere your life will be touched by cancer, too.  Please consider on this National Cancer Survivor's Day to donate to this very worthy cause so that someday we can eradicate cancer and no longer have to celebrate this day.

You can donate here:
John Dorsey Ride to Conquer Cancer

As most of you know, my life has been touched in a very personal way through my mother's ongoing battle with cancer.  I have felt the pain of watching a loved one suffer from this terrible disease and I pray that one day we can say "no more".  The bravery of the men and women who battle this disease day in and day out and the dedication of the doctors and researchers that treat these patients and seek the cure is beyond my comprehension.  They deserve your support.

Blessings,
Meri

Survivors

Today is National Cancer Survivor's Day. June 7, 2015.

Almost 14 years ago, cancer touched my family in a very real way.  Until then, cancer was something that happened to other people.  To older people. To someone else's mother.  Until it happened to mine.

The day I learned my mother had breast cancer is burned into my memory.  I had stopped by their house, unannounced, to find her quietly reading and favoring her arm.  Just as she was explaining that she had just had a needle biopsy to determine if a lump in her breast was cancerous, the phone rang.

It was the doctor.

It was cancer.

That moment changed my life and the way I saw my mother forever.  Suddenly she who had always cared for others, needed caring for.  She who was always strong, needed the strength of those around her to get her through the surgeries, tests, chemo and its side effects and all of the accoutrements that go along with breast cancer.

She had amazing doctors and surgeons and they treated her cancer aggressively.  By the time I gave birth to our fist child in May 2002, we were able to celebrate two lives-a new life given and another life saved, she was in remission.  About 5 years later, she was declared cancer-free.

She was a survivor.  And we were so thankful to God for her healing, because we knew that He is the Great Physician and her doctors here on earth could only assist Him in His work.

 Then about 2 years ago I got the call from my Dad.

The cancer was back.  It had metastasized to her spine.  It apparently was a spot they had been watching for several years (I think since about 2010), but they were not sure what it was and it was not growing.  Then, suddenly, it was growing-and required action.

So, again, with skilled and gifted doctors, a plan was developed to address this new tumor.  This time there would be no radical surgery, no chemo.  It was not in a place that was easily operable, chemo was not the best option.  This time they went with radiation therapy and oral cancer-fighting drugs.  The tumor shrunk some, apparently enough to satisfy the doctors.  But, there was pain.  Pain from the tumor, pain from the radiation damage to her spine. 

She was quietly brave about all of it, never showing weakness or fear-at least not to me.  Sometimes I wish she would, but that is not who she is-at least not with me, and I do not love her one bit less for that.  She is my Momma and she wants to protect me at all costs, and I love her deeply for that.

This time it was different though.  The doctors said there will be no cure, no cancer-free celebration.  This type of cancer is not going to go away.  She will likely die with this cancer (not from it, mind you), it will always be a part of her now.

They call today National Cancer Survivor's Day, but my Momma has done more than survive-she has thrived.  She has allowed God to fill in the gaps in her faith with His steadfast love.  She has allowed Him to lean in during the times she has been afraid and remind her that nothing comes to us that has not passed through His hands.  She has played with her grandchildren and watched them grow, taking in every moment.  She has taught them, loved them, cherished them, and prayed over them.  She takes them swimming, kayaking, searching for shells on the beach, to museums and movies, to events at church.  She volunteers and serves her community through her church.  She sings on the praise team-her beautiful voice worshiping her Mighty Healer and Comforter.  She lives life every moment.

I have no words to express how much I love this woman, this survivor.  She is brave and beautiful and I am blessed to call her Momma.

Finding Our Joy Again

Last night we went over to spend some time with dear friends.  Friends who have walked with us through times of pain and times of joy.  Friends who we have shared laughter, meals, children, tears, prayers and life with for the past 6 years.  Friends that God has gifted to us.

This was after I had gone to see movie with a dear girlfriend, and Rick and the kids had gone to do a few fun things themselves.  It was a bright, sunny, summer-like evening with a brilliant Carolina-blue sky.  It was warm and we had the windows in the SUV down and the radio cranked loud.

And then it happened.

"Shake It Off" (Taylor Swift) came on the radio.

And we all broke into song and dance.

Let me tell you-I will not be winning a Grammy in the near (or distant) future.  My biggest only fans of my singing are my children and my shower head.  But when this song comes on-you just have to sing loud and dance.

What I think I look like breaking it down to "Shake It Off"

What I actually look like breaking it down to "Shake It Off"

The point of this is, we are finding our joy again-as a family.  Financial struggle is a quiet killer of families.  It is like a slow-growing cancer that eats away at the soul of the family unit in an area where it can go undetected until it is too late to cure.  I am thankful to God that He revealed this necrosis to our family before it was beyond repair.

In light of this, we have adopted two new family mottoes in the past month: choose joy and love is everything.  We want to live every moment with the understanding that we have a choice, not always in our circumstances, but in how we react and process those circumstances-and we want to choose joy as often as possible. 

We also want to understand that when you strip everything away: hurt feelings, perceived injustice, rules, regulations, and past or present offenses, what matters is love.  That is the gospel of Jesus Christ at it's most basic: love.

13 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (www.biblegateway.com)

Not only is love everything, but without it, we are nothing.  All of the amazing things we could do through Christ's power in us, are worthless and meaningless without love.

 ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21

I can't say that the troubled times are over.  We may face greater storms ahead.  But I can say, that no matter our situation-our family will choose joy together and will love fiercely and recklessly.  We will do this because this is how we live the gospel.  This is how we put feet to the God-breathed words of the Holy Scriptures.  This is how we worship our Maker and Father.

Blessings,
Meri

 

Today Is One Of Those Days

Today has been interesting crazy absolutely insane.

It started off calmly enough.  I was up early due to my fibromyalgia pain.  I hung out with Emma (who was also up early) and watched TV for a little while and then went to spend some time in God's word and journaling.  Off to a good start, right?

Then I remembered I had billing to complete.  No big deal, certainly something I could easily get done by the deadline.  I started printing the reports I needed and while those printed, I made myself a bagel.  And that was the end of the reasonably calm, normal day.

My 7-year old had Cool Whip for breakfast.  After laying down a strict rule of "absolutely no Amazon shopping on the laptop", both girls were plugged into the laptop about 15 minutes later searching Amazon for dolls and skateboards and sneakers and whatever else little girls like to shop for.

My 13-year old son rolled out of bed around noon, still barely awake.  He then proceeded to smack the dog on the head, which started an argument...of course. Another mom win (insert sarcasm here)!

I got completely distracted by Facebook, the TV, my blog, a FB quiz, and various and sundry other things around the house.

I sent the girls out to play-which lasted all of 4 minutes.  The littlest one (7-year old Kenzie) found was chased by her older (10-year old Emma) sister with a worm and refused to go back outside.  Just as I got that handled, the little came back in screaming about some spiky bug on the porch that was "freaking her out".  I finally gave up on outside play and told them to go clean their room.  I am confident they are currently NOT doing that.

So it is now 2:15 pm and I have barely gotten started on my work deadline.  I have no make up on and am wearing clothes that could double as pajamas.  I have eaten a grand total of 1 bowl of frozen peaches and a Pepsi.

Some days I just want to push the "done" button and move on.  Today is one of those days.

Blessings,
Meri

So it is now 2:12 pm and I have keyed exactly 3 claims (out of about 80).

Momma's Psalm

I often reach out to my sweet Momma on spiritual issues.  Of course I consult my husband first, but sometimes a girl just needs to talk to her momma.

My Momma is brave and wise and an excellent example of a Proverbs 31 woman.  She is not perfect, but she is humble.  She is caring and compassionate.  Even as she has endured cancer, radiation, pain, and vascular surgery, she thinks of others first.  She is a prayer warrior.

She is a giver.  This is the gift she gave me as I have struggled with chronic illness, secondary infertility, financial struggles, and just the general struggles of a wife and mother of 3.

Psalm 139

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.

 You know my sitting down and my rising up; 

You understand my thought afar off.

 You comprehend my path and my lying down, 

and are acquainted with all my ways.

 For there is not a word on my tongue, 

but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before,

and laid You hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; 

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend into heave You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea.

Even there Your hand shall lead me, 

and Your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"

Even the night shall be light around me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works, 

and that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You, 

when I was made in secret,

and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they were all written. 

The days fashioned for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If i should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

when I awake, I am still with You.

Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!

Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.

For they speak against You wickedly;

You enemies take Your name in vain.

Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?

I hate them with perfect hatred; 

I count them with my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me, 

And lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank You

I don't appreciate what you do for me every day of our lives, dear husband.  I don't thank you for all the little things you remember to do and think of when I forget.  I complain too much.  I am not grateful for the way you express your love.

So I want to thank you for:

Constantly running to the grocery store, pharmacy, Starbucks, Panera, and all over town to satisfy the desires of your wife.

Buying me flowers, even when we are in the middle of a "disagreement"

Letting me control the TV remote-all.the.time.

...and watching hours of research programs true crime murder shows with me.

You encourage me to rest when there is work to be done.  You take on the burden of my work when my body is not able.

You bring me lunch, even when it is inconvenient.

You love me when I am angry and lashing out at you.

You pump my gas for me.  That is HUGE.

You change the sheets on the beds because you know that it hurts my hands to have to pull them tight.

I can't even count all of the ways you love me each and every day.  I have mistakenly desired the "romantic love" of movies and romance books.  I have been lured into the false belief that flowers and romantic gestures of the romantic movie variety are what will make me feel loved.  I fight these feelings, knowing that God teaches of a different type of love, a love of commitment, servitude, and mutual submission.  However, far too often, I find myself desiring the more worldly expressions of love.

So today, I want to thank you.  For loving me in so many ways that I cannot count them all.  For striving to be a man after God's heart by loving me in the way God has instructed in His word.

I tend to be a little stubborn, so I don't always appreciate you the way I should.  On those days when I am being difficult, remember this post, remember that deep down, I know that all you do for me comes from a place of love.

Love forever and always,
Your Wife

Not Yet

Another month. Another "no".

It is hard.  My heart aches.  My body aches.  I don't want this.  I want a baby, not another "no".

Today I am just feeling sad.  I had hope that this would be the month.  The month we would celebrate.  The month we would prepare for a new life.  But it is not this month.

I start to think, what if it is never?  What if there is no future hope that there will be "the month"?

Then I feel guilty.  I have 3 amazing blessings from God.  Do I deserve 1 more?  Why am I not content with what I have?

I whisper to my God "Why not now?" and He gently whispers back "Because My timing is perfect and I want the best for you." 

I find comfort in my Heavenly Father.  I seek His face and find contentment there.  I find peace and comfort.  I find grace and love.

On days like today, when my heart is full of guilt, pain, and sadness, I draw near to Him.  I seek comfort in His word.  I also veg out on the couch and eat chocolate, but that is another topic.

I am reminded, gently, by my Heavenly Father, that His grace is all I need.  That it is okay to be weak, because in my weakness, He is made great.

This month is not the month.  We may never experience the joy of another "month".  We have had the joy of welcoming 3 precious lives into this world and 1 in to Heaven's nursery.  That may be all God has in store for us.  But my heart still longs for 1 more.  Maybe because I want to fill the void left by the loss of Baby Sophie.  Maybe because I am selfish. 

Maybe because God has laid it on my heart that our family is not finished-but the completion may be through ways I don't yet understand.  My human brain is so limited, I cannot see the glory God has in store for us.  I only see 1 answer to my prayers when God may have something beyond my imagination in store.

So today I will curl up in my Father's lap and lay my head on His shoulder and rest on His promises.  I will cherish my children and husband and count my blessings.  I will mourn my Sophie and have hope for the future.  I will trust in His promises and know that He has something exceedingly, abundantly more than I can think or imagine in store for me.

Blessings,
Meri