Another month. Another "no".
It is hard. My heart aches. My body aches. I don't want this. I want a baby, not another "no".
Today I am just feeling sad. I had hope that this would be the month. The month we would celebrate. The month we would prepare for a new life. But it is not this month.
I start to think, what if it is never? What if there is no future hope that there will be "the month"?
Then I feel guilty. I have 3 amazing blessings from God. Do I deserve 1 more? Why am I not content with what I have?
I find comfort in my Heavenly Father. I seek His face and find contentment there. I find peace and comfort. I find grace and love.
This month is not the month. We may never experience the joy of another "month". We have had the joy of welcoming 3 precious lives into this world and 1 in to Heaven's nursery. That may be all God has in store for us. But my heart still longs for 1 more. Maybe because I want to fill the void left by the loss of Baby Sophie. Maybe because I am selfish.
Maybe because God has laid it on my heart that our family is not finished-but the completion may be through ways I don't yet understand. My human brain is so limited, I cannot see the glory God has in store for us. I only see 1 answer to my prayers when God may have something beyond my imagination in store.