Thursday, June 4, 2015

Not Yet

Another month. Another "no".

It is hard.  My heart aches.  My body aches.  I don't want this.  I want a baby, not another "no".

Today I am just feeling sad.  I had hope that this would be the month.  The month we would celebrate.  The month we would prepare for a new life.  But it is not this month.

I start to think, what if it is never?  What if there is no future hope that there will be "the month"?

Then I feel guilty.  I have 3 amazing blessings from God.  Do I deserve 1 more?  Why am I not content with what I have?

I whisper to my God "Why not now?" and He gently whispers back "Because My timing is perfect and I want the best for you." 

I find comfort in my Heavenly Father.  I seek His face and find contentment there.  I find peace and comfort.  I find grace and love.

On days like today, when my heart is full of guilt, pain, and sadness, I draw near to Him.  I seek comfort in His word.  I also veg out on the couch and eat chocolate, but that is another topic.

I am reminded, gently, by my Heavenly Father, that His grace is all I need.  That it is okay to be weak, because in my weakness, He is made great.

This month is not the month.  We may never experience the joy of another "month".  We have had the joy of welcoming 3 precious lives into this world and 1 in to Heaven's nursery.  That may be all God has in store for us.  But my heart still longs for 1 more.  Maybe because I want to fill the void left by the loss of Baby Sophie.  Maybe because I am selfish. 

Maybe because God has laid it on my heart that our family is not finished-but the completion may be through ways I don't yet understand.  My human brain is so limited, I cannot see the glory God has in store for us.  I only see 1 answer to my prayers when God may have something beyond my imagination in store.

So today I will curl up in my Father's lap and lay my head on His shoulder and rest on His promises.  I will cherish my children and husband and count my blessings.  I will mourn my Sophie and have hope for the future.  I will trust in His promises and know that He has something exceedingly, abundantly more than I can think or imagine in store for me.