Every day my Instagram and Facebook feeds are filled with little tokens of biblical wisdom. There are posts about faith and trusting God in difficult times, having an eternal perspective, character is developed through trials.
I read these and I understand them. I read the verses in my Bible that talk about these same topics-especially the Pauline epistles. I know that my situation(s) are temporary, all of this life is. I know that there are millions of people on this planet that experience unspeakable suffering each and every day-far worse than anything I will likely experience in my lifetime.
By my heart refuses to understand.
I feel stuck. I am in survival mode. Curled up in the fetal position trying to get through just the basic functions of life and just survive each day.
I cry tears of frustration. Tears for our financial struggles, tears for my health struggles, tears that come from a deep sense of loss and hopelessness.
I know that I should feel hope. That God has given me much and has promised even more. I know that fear and hopelessness are the exact opposite of faith. My head knows all of these things, but my heart refuses to process and accept them as truth.
I don't know how to connect the two-my heart and my head. I don't know when survival mode will end for me. I want to feel hopeful, it just doesn't seem to be that easy for me.
My head knows that God makes broken things beautiful in His time and in His way.
My heart doesn't understand why I continue to just feel the brokenness.
My head knows that God's answer is sometimes "no" or "wait".
My heart is insistent and impatient.
My head knows that my sufferings are inconsequential compared to the sufferings of millions around the world.
My heart fails to see past the suffering of the moment.
My head knows that the pain of this life is temporary.
My heart feels like this pain is without end.
My head knows that I am greatly blessed.
My heart can only see the gaps and empty spaces.
My head knows that it is in those gaps and empty spaces that God's greatest miracles can happen.
My heart feels like those miracles are just not for me.
I have know wise words or poignant scripture today. The Bible is full of wisdom on this very subject, but I just can't today. I just can't.