Sometimes I try to ignore them, I scroll quickly past them on my FB and IG feeds. I avoid places filled with new mothers and soon-to-be mothers proudly carrying their precious cargo.
But sometimes I can't ignore or avoid them. Sometimes I am drawn to them, like a moth to a flame. I know the ache will come, but I know avoiding the issue won't heal the pain. Somehow I have to find a way to live with the pain. Somehow I have to move forward.
Recently, I had convinced myself that maybe that part of my life has ended. I am over 35, I have 3 children, I should be satisfied and ready to move into the next phase of parenthood, marriage, life.
But then I heard a friend from my high school class is expecting.
We are the same age, only 1 month apart. All of the things I had talked myself into were suddenly swept away. The feelings of failure, grief, loss, pain, confusion-all of these feelings and so many more came rushing back like a tidal wave, washing away my delicate sense of acceptance.
I believe God's timing is perfect. I believe He wants only good for His children. I believe that when He says "not now" it is for my best.
But some days, some moments my heart just breaks in half. Some days, some moments the pain washes over me in waves and takes my breath away. Some days, some moments I think about her and wonder who she would be today-would she have brown hair like Mackenzie or strawberry blond like Emma? Would she have Logan's laugh? Would she be a picky eater like her sisters or adventurous like her Momma and brother? What would make her laugh? What would make her cry?
And many days I think "was that it? Am I done? Will I never experience that beautiful, painful, exhilarating, exhausting process of pregnancy and birth again?".
Today is one of those days. My empty womb aches. My heart aches. I wear the emptiness like a heavy coat on a summer day. It suffocates my joy and hope for the future.
Then God leans in. He meets me in this gap between what I want and what is and whispers "my timing is perfect, I want only the best for you, I love you-right now, right here, in this moment and in this place."
This was heavy on my heart today and my heart is still aching tonight as I type these words. But I am not without hope. I am not buying into the lies of the enemy. I am resting in the arms of my Heavenly Father.