Broken Into Beautiful-Post 4

Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

-Psalm 90:14-

I have 3 small humans that wake up every morning and one of the first things they want to know is "what's for breakfast?".  (These same 3 small humans also expect me to feed them at least 2 additional times each day....such demanding children we are raising!).  A baby's first instinct, within minutes of birth, is to seek nourishment from its mother.  Feeding the hunger that is innate in us is one of the most basic and natural instincts we have.  We do not need to be taught that without satisfying this need for nourishment, eventually we will die.

It is the same with satisfying our spiritual hunger.

"And Jesus said to them, 'I am the bread of life.  H who comes to me shall never hunger, and he who believes in me shall never thirst'." -John 6:35

The only satisfying response to spiritual hunger is God.  "Nothing can supplant God if you want to satisfy your spiritual hunger." -Gwen Smith

Just like there are basic food groups to feed our bodies, there are basic "Faith Food Groups":

1. Prayer
2. Reading the Bible
3. Worship

Faith food needs to be a priority to me each and every day, just like physical food is.  Just like when I am physically hungry I tend to be cranky and short-tempered (I know...just try to imagine it for a moment!); when I am spiritually hungry, I am prone to discontentment.  When I lack spiritual nourishment I quickly become discontent with my home, my husband, my physical appearance, my children, my relationships, and the list could go on....and on....and on.  Connecting with my Heavenly Father each day is as vital to my spiritual health as breathing, eating, and drinking are to my physical health.

"The thief does not come except to steal, to kill, and to destroy.  I have come so that they ay have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." -John 10:10

There are times in my life when I need more than just my "daily bread".  Lately, I have been on a Faith Food Binge!  Some of the other times in my life that I have required Faith Food Supplements have been when we lost our Baby Sophie to miscarriage in November 2010, and more recently when both my husband and I lost our jobs in 2014 which has led to the loss of our home.  During this time the following scriptures have been instrumental to supplementing my daily Faith Food nourishment.

O God, You are my God;

Early will I seek You; 

My soul thirsts for You; 

My flesh longs for You

In a dry and thirsty land

Where there is no water.

So I have looked for you in the sanctuary,

To see Your power and Your glory.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,

My lips shall praise You.

Thus I will bless You while I live;

I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, 

And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed, 

I meditate on You in the night watches.

Because You have been my help, 

Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.

My soul follows close behind You; 

Your right hand upholds me.

-Psalm 63:1-8-

When I am going through a period of "malnourishment" due to my lack of Faith Food, I start to find myself trying to control situations by coming up with a solution on my own rather than trusting God to provide for the situation that He has orchestrated all along.  This not only causes enmity between myself and my Savior, but in my marriage as well.  The solution to this is a Faith Food Binge.  By studying His word, seeking godly counsel from my husband and others in my life, praying ceaselessly, and worshiping in community or in private, I am able to redirect my feet onto the path laid out by God.  So whenever I find myself in this situation of "straying" or "self-controlling" my solution is always very simple:

PRAY - LISTEN - OBEY

Blessings,

Meri

Lead Me (but only when I want you to)

I love the song "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real.  I love the message it has for my husband.  He could learn a lot if he would just listen closely:

I look around and see my wonderful life

Almost perfect from the outside

In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife

Always smiling, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear her saying:

Lead me, with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, but what about us?

I especially like the "beautiful wife" part, can you tell?

But, while this song is and instruction and prayer for men, the message goes much deeper.  How can a man of God be the leader of his family unless he has a wife, and family, that is willing to follow his lead.

Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, as also, Christ is the head of the church, and He is the Savior of the body.  Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

-Ephesians 5:22-24- 

There are endless blog posts, bible studies, theological exhortations, and even whole books written on the importance of submission, specifically as it relates to marriage and faith.  It really is a very simple concept: submission is the act of submitting to the power of another.  While submission is simple in concept, it can be challenging in execution.

I tend to only want to submit when it suits me:

• When there is a difficult decision to make in our family that I don't have a strong opinion about one way or the other.
• When there is a difficult "no" we have to share with the children.
• When we are in a group of fellow Christians and I want to show what a good, submissive wife I am striving to be.
• When it has anything to do with lawn maintenance, exterior home care, vehicle upkeep, trash disposal or any of the other "man" things my husband is contractually obligated to by our marriage vows (what that wasn't part of your ceremony?!).
• When my husband and I are in agreement on a particular decision or next step.

However, when submission requires sacrifice...well, that is a whole different story.  I want Rick to lead me, as long as the path he is leading me down is the one I think is best.

The truth of submission and leadership is that they are hard.  If it were easy to live faithfully and if the biblical model of marriage were simple to execute, the divorce rate would not be where it is and marriage counselor would not be a career option.

I'll show them I'm willing to fight

And give them the best of my life

So we can call this our home

Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone.

Father, lead me 'cause I can't do this alone.

Leadership is difficult.  It is risky, challenging, and scary.  It requires one to consistently sacrifice of themselves with little or no reward or recognition.  It also frequently results in taking responsibility for things that may be out of your control.  This is what God expects of my husband.  This is His calling to men.  The least I can do as a wife of a man seeking God's heart is to make his leadership of me as easy as possible by submitting in all circumstances at all times.

Recently, I have been convicted in my heart that I am not seeking Rick's counsel as I should be.  I have rushed headlong into decisions that affect our entire family and our marriage without seeking God's guidance through prayer or seeking Rick's guidance and then waiting for his response. 

See, so often, I will approach a subject with my husband and truthfully want his counsel on this topic.  But then he doesn't reply in the way I expect or in the time-frame I have determined acceptable, so I move forward without his approval.  I like to think after 20+ years of being in an emotionally intimate relationship with this man, I know what his answer will be, so I am just expediting the inevitable.  Many times I am right.  Sometimes I am wrong; and those times can cause deep and painful strife in our marriage.

So today my prayer is not for a husband who leads me, because I have a husband who leads me.  My prayer is for a heart that is willing to be led.

Blessings,

Meridath

Broken Into Beautiful-Post 3

Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him.

Psalm 32:2

We have a list of house rules posted on our refridgerator:

1. Speak kindly.
2. Gather regularly.
3. Laugh readily.
4. Work cheerfully.
5. Give generously.
6. Apologize humbly.
7. Forgive quickly.
8. Hug freely.
9. Pray frequently.
10. Stand firmly.
11. Cheer loudly.
12. Love genuinely.

Simple, but purposeful, thoughtfully chosen rules that are sometimes obeyed, often broken, but always encouraged.  12 Rules.

Adam and Eve had 1 rule. 1 SIMPLE RULE. "But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die." -Genesis 2:17

Pretty clear.  Pretty basic.  Don't eat.  If you eat, you die.

Even a small amount of sin is deadly.  All sin is disobedience and the punishment for disobedience against God is death.  The fall of mankind was not caused by a piece of fruit, by an evil serpent, by a foolish woman or her foolish husband-it was caused by a heart that rebelled against God.

Ever since that fateful day in the Garden, we have been prone to sin because of our rebellious hearts.  How does my heart choose to rebel?

• Exposing my mind to ungodly influence through mainstream media
• Choosing to miss church.
• Harboring anger and resentment towards others.
• Failing to submit to my husband.

And he [the serpent] said to the woman, "Has God indeed said, 'You shall not eat of every tree in the garden?'. Then the serpent said to the woman "You will not surely die.  For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

-Genesis 3:1a, 4-5 

 

The serpent is the fist "false prophet".  He is not overtly and obviously evil in this exchange with Eve, but he twists God's word to make us believe that we can indulge our selfish, humanistic desires and still be in the will of God.  Satan wants us to believe we can exist both in man's world and God's will simultaneously, that we can be of the world and in it.  But God's word tells us otherwise.

God sees all of my sin:

Pride, anger, gossip, bitterness, refusal to forgive, unconfessed sin, unhealthy habits, questionable television programs, and all of the other failures I try desperately to hide.

Yet He lovingly invites me to come out of hiding so he can clean up my messes (and trust me, there are many of them!).

The account of the adulterous woman in John 8:4-12 is a clear example of God's willingness, desire even, to clean up our messes.

"This account of the adulterous woman teaches us a valuable lesson about judging and condemning others.  We shouldn't do it.  It's not appropriate and it's not our place." -Gwen Smith

God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might be come the righteousness of God. 

-2 Corinthians 5:21-

As we approach this Easter Sunday, I am wholly convinced that God is a God of loving forgiveness.  He is fully aware of all of our transgressions, and because of that-not in spite of it-He sacrificed his most prized possession of all, His Son, Jesus Christ.  This is the ultimate illustration of broken into beautiful!  We were broken in sin and because of Christ's sacrifice on the cross we are restored to beauty and are able to triumph over death!

"The heart of the human problem is the heart of the human.  And God's treatment is prescribed in John 3:16." -Max Lucado

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

-John 3:16- 

Prayer of Contrition ***Caution-Honest, Transparent, Truthful and Pain-filled***

This is directly from my journal this afternoon, written after I was made aware of several sins against my Heavenly Father and husband:

Lord,

I confess my sin of trying to control a situation that You have already orchestrated.  I failed to seek the advice of my husband whom You have set at the head of our home.  I have acted rashly and against my husband's desires.  Lord-when will I learn?  How many times do I have to run headlong into a situation because of my own selfish desires?  Please forgive my transgressions against You and Rick.  If the home I desire has to be sacrificed because of my foolish actions, please give me peace about that situation as well.

-Amen-

I want to be transparent and hones in what I post on my blog.  No frills, no lengthy interpretations or explanations.  Read it, take it as what you will.  I have sinned, and I must confess my transgression against my God and my husband.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills-From whence comes my help?  My help comes from the Lord, who made the earth.

-Psalm 121:1-2-

Broken Into Beautiful Study-Post 2

Since you were precious in my sight, you have been honored, and I have loved you.  Therefore I will give men for your, and people for your life.

-Isaiah 43:4-

Feeling worthless, undervalued, useless, and unwanted has been a lie of the enemy that I have believed most of my life.  These things that make be believe this worthlessness are many, here are a few:

1. I have been told I am worthless at several points in my life.
2. I have made poor choices.  Many poor choices.
3. I have been cheated on.
4. I have been codependent-my worth has been dependent upon someone else's happiness.
5. I suffer from chronic illness that often prevents me from doing things that I believe give me value (housework, cooking, attending events with my family, etc.)

But God's truth is that my worth has nothing to do with my feelings.

We have all become like one who is unclean,

and our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.

We all fade like a leaf

and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.

-Isaiah 64:6-

All of my value, all of my worth, is contained in the gift Christ gave me on the cross.  Grace is the only reason I have any worth at all and all of my worth comes from above.

I still struggle with believing that if people really knew me they would not like me.  All of my life, I have been challenged to make and keep friends.  You know, those close girl friends that you can bare your soul to and laugh at SNL skits from the early 1990s with as well? 

Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil.

For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.  But woe to him who is alone when he falls

and has not another to lift him up. 

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-10-

 

I believed the lies of Satan that I was worthless and no one could possibly find anything to like about me while forgetting the promise of God that He loves me and has given me all of the good that is in me.  I still struggle with making lasting bonds with other women, but recently, God has blessed me with not only new relationships, but the rekindling of old ones.  My Heavenly Father has known my heartache of being left out, feeling unwanted, unworthy among other women and He has answered my cries and prayers.

 

Are not five sparrows sold for tow pennies?  Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.  Indeed the very hairs on your head are all numbered!  Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.

I tell you whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God.

-Luke 12:6-8

What a beautiful illustration of God's great love for us and a promise from our Heavenly Father that we are so very important to Him that He will shout our existence to His angels!!!

...and there's the snap

It was the perfect storm.  Under pressure to get my billing done, exhausted from not sleeping due to severe pelvic pain all night, 2 bickering girls and 1 boy who is the epitome of "give them an inch and they will take a mile".  The funny thing was, it was good news that caused me to blow my lid!

Rick called to let me know we had been approved for the rental house I had fallen in love with and we could meet with the realtor on Monday to work out the details and timeline.  The kids, however, chose this moment to come barging in the house at top volume, full throttle (as usual), not considering I may be on the phone or trying to concentrate on getting my work done.

I lost it.  Yelling and telling the all to get out of my sight and sit on their beds and (here's the best part) read in their Bible's about how good Christian children and families are supposed to act.

Epic fail.

About 10 minutes later, I called them all back together.  I could tell from Kenzie's sad, pouting face, Emma's avoidance of eye contact, and Logan's glaring dagger-eye look that none of them were ready for what I was about to say.  There had not been enough time for the sting of my words and tone to wear down to a manageable level.  Their hearts were not open to what I had to say, but I was ready to say it.

I apologized, but in that "I am sorry you ticked me off so bad I had to blow my lid" kind of way.  Then I teared up as I accused them (my children, these precious gifts entrusted to me by God) of not thinking of anyone but themselves (I know-shocking news...kids are selfish), and told them how heartbroken I was that our family could not even figure out how to serve one another, much less others and certainly not God.

Way to go, Momma.  Yell at them, and then break them down.

So part of the reason I blog is to be transparent.  There are so many "super-mom blogs" out there posting pictures of perfectly organized laundry rooms and perfectly-executed Pinterest projects.  But I believe what we need is reality.  The sometimes ugly, often messy, frequently loud, but always grace-filled reality of God's redeeming love.  Without me accepting God's grace and forgiveness for my impression of Mt. Vesuvius, I cannot model that grace for my children and have no hope of helping them understand their need for it.

So, there it is.  The ugly truth of the ugly incident in our house today.  It wasn't the first and I am certain it won't be the last.  But I am certain that God has enough forgiveness and grace for each and every time I call upon His name!

Blessings,
Meri

Broken Into Beautiful Study-Post 1

I have started reading "Broken Into Beautiful" by Gwen Smith and loosely following the study guide she posted on her FB page a few weeks ago (I was not able to do the study at the time it was running live).  In the first chapter, I find it remarkable how similar our childhoods were.  I was saved at the age of 10, grew up in a SBC church, was extremely active in youth group, and attended church camp every summer to be filled by the Holy Spirit and meet boys.

In college, I began to fall away from my faith.  Not because I had some existential crisis of faith where I questioned the purpose of life and the origins of the universe, but because there were so many fun, secular, things to do!  Parties, sorority and fraternity events, football games (War Eagle!), tailgating, trips to Mardi Gras and Panama City Beach.  All of these things began to slowly replace the space in my life previously reserved for worship and fellowship with Christ.

My favorite quote from this week's study was
"God can use each and every person who surrenders her brokenness into His hands...no matter what."

I want God to use my life to touch others, to further His kingdom, and to share the gospel.  But I have always felt too broken.  I am shy, nervous around other people (especially those I don't know).  I don't have great event-planning skills (as evidenced by my HS Group get together yesterday!).  I am not always a very good listener, although this is a skill I am working very hard to develop.  I have a terrible memory....life events, birthdays, prayer requests...if I don't write them down, I don't remember them. 

But my most "broken" parts come from terrible, painful decisions I made in my youth.  In those "in-between" years after school and before Rick and I found our way back to God and the love of His Son, Jesus Christ (much like the prodigal son...but that is another story).  Drugs, alcohol, compromised moral values, gross irresponsibility with my life and the lives of others.  I hurt people; sadly, I believe the people I hurt the most were my parents.

I believed that I was too broken, too far gone for God to use.  I was relegated to being a consumer in church, not worthy to be a part of the sharing of the gospel....I mean, who would want to listen to me?

But I understand that I am EXACTLY the type of person God wants to use.  He desires and loves to turn broken into beautiful and I look forward to this continuing transformation!

Blessings,
Meri