Necessary Things

Racism. Police lives. Gay marriage. Gender reassignment. 

Abortion. Religious freedom. Poverty.

I don't know how to talk about these things.  I don't know how to write about these things.  I don't even know how I feel about some of them and if what I believe about others is right or wrong.  I don't know if what I believe even matters.

But I can't ignore them.  I can't make them go away just by pretending they don't exist or that, while they do exist, they don't impact my life.

I have children who have questions.  I have questions.

I have friends who have been touched in a personal way by each of these topics. I have friends who live these topics every day.

I somehow have to reconcile all of these things for myself and my children.

I am not sure I know the words to use.  I am afraid of using the wrong words and offending someone.

I have put these subjects in boxes and put them on a shelf in my life.  I have covered myself and my family with the blanket of "this is my personal opinion, but..."

We need to talk about them.  I need to talk about them.

Racism is real, and I hate it. I have largely ignored racism, allowing myself to believe that it was a problem of our past. I have relegated it to history. But it is real. It is now. I cannot pretend it does not exist any more than I can pretend to understand what it is like to be persecuted simply for the color of my skin. I may not experience this in a personal way, but I do not have to remain silent as others do.

Police protect us every day and I love them for it.  But some of them make mistakes.  And some of them are just plain bad.  But most of them are good and deserve better than we give them.

Homosexuality is wrong according to God's word.  But God also teaches us to love one another.  Each and every one of us.  I believe homosexuality is a sin.  I also believe I am a sinner.  God tells me, through His word, that all sins are equivalent and only He can judge.

Gender reassignment is against God's perfect plan for us.  The Creator of all things does not make mistakes. But again, only He can judge-it is my place to show Christ's love, and God's place to hand down judgment.  You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. -Romans 2:1

Killing babies is wrong. Period. End of story. Abortion is not a choice, it is a trap. Abortion hurts women, not just babies. Women need forgiveness and love, not judgment. Women deserve better.

Poverty surrounds us. We live a privileged life and most of us, including me, take this for granted.  Right now a child is dying of starvation. Right now a mother is choosing which child eats today. Right now a husband is wondering how he can provide for his family. Right now a family is being evicted because they can't pay the rent. Every day. Every moment. Poverty is real and we, for the most part, ignore it.

Freedom of religion is a freedom I cherish.  My heart breaks when I see people persecuted around the world simply because of their beliefs. My heart breaks to see any religion judged solely on the character of its most extreme members. I want the whole world to know my Jesus.  I want each and every person to believe the truth of the Gospel. But it is not up to me, it is God alone who can save. I can't stop loving others because they don't share my beliefs. I can't save anyone, not even myself. Only God. Only Jesus. I am only tasked to love.

Y'all. Silence kills. Silence allows poverty and abortion and persecution to continue.

We have to talk about these things. Even if we use the wrong words (as I am sure I did in this post). Even if we offend someone.

To ignore these issues is to ignore these people.  We cannot ignore and love at the same time.

Love is everything.

Blessings,
Meri

Greater Love

This was not my planned post for today.  But, as usual, God has laid it on my heart to write about how He has worked in my life.

This is my birth-mother, Michelle.  She is also my mother's sister (it's complicated, but you get used to it after 30-something years). 


I have a very deep love for my mother, my adoptive mother. There is no question in my mind that she is my real mother. She has shown me a love that only a mother could.  She has loved me through tears of pain and tears of joy, laughter, fun times, anger, difficult times, and everything in between.  She has shown me the love of Christ and for that, I am eternally grateful.






That being said, I feel I need to acknowledge the love I have for my birth-mother as well.I only wish I could have said this to her while she was still alive.

We often think of this verse (John 15:13) in terms of sacrificing our life for a friend and Christ's ultimate sacrifice for our salvation.  But I see this through the lens of adoption.

As a mother who has carried four babies in her belly (three that are here with us and one born into Heaven's nursery-for more on that click here), I look at the picture of my birth-mother, pregnant with me, and I see hope and excitement for a future with the child that grows within.

But I know the outcome, and it was not the story she imagined.

I cannot comprehend the sacrificial love that she expressed by giving me up for adoption. The combination of joy and pain she must have felt watching me grow up from a distance. 

Greater love hath no man mother than to sacrifice her life personal desires for a friend child.

She was not perfect.  Some would say that her situation was a result of her own poor life choices-and they would be right.  But she made good choices, too.  She made one choice that many women could not fathom.  She chose to die to her personal desires and sacrifice them for her child.

Most mothers will tell you that they would do anything for their children, including lay down their own lives.  But I think the sacrifice of adoption takes more. And an adoption situation where you continue to be in that child's life, but must watch as they call another woman "Momma", must take a level of sacrifice that few are capable of.

My adoption story is more than this one picture.  I have honestly never thought much about who my birth-mother was before I have actual memories of her (by which time she was functionally my Aunt Michelle).  This photo has allowed me to connect with her in a way I have never experienced.  At this moment in time, she shared all of the hopes and dreams that I felt with each of my pregnancies.  And then she had the strength to let them go.

I have experienced the loss of those dreams.  I have had them torn from my womb in a painful and terrible way. 

But she laid them on the altar in the ultimate act of self-sacrifice.  And for that, I am forever grateful.

Blessings,
Meri

Sugar Detox: Prep Week

I have recently made a decision to take back control of my health.

I have chosen to stop most pharmaceuticals and attempt to treat my fibromyalgia, chronic headaches, and other ailments with diet change, essential oils and other natural remedies.

This is a major step for me as well as my family.  I am thankful for a supportive husband and a great "crunchy" friend who is my Sherpa-guide for this crazy journey.  The whole clean food scene can be very confusing without a wise and knowledgeable sensei (mad props to my friend, Megan).

We will be following the 8-Week Sugar Detox Challenge from Natural Fertility and Wellness (available on Amazon here).

I plan to start each new week on Sunday, so we are preparing to start with our weekly grocery trip this coming Sunday.

This first week, we will be eliminating high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) from our diets.  That being said, there are some acceptable sugars we will be able to keep.

"Good" Sugars:
Honey (local, real honey)
Maple Syrup (100% pure)
Pure Organic Cane Sugar
Muscovado Sugar
Coconut or Palm Sugar
Molasses
Sorghum
Stevia

So far I have gotten rid of several items-some expected, some not so expected.  We will have to find a brand of Worcestershire sauce that does not contain HFCS (hopefully).  We are getting rid of the BBQ sauce (my son is not happy about this one), ketchup, and chocolate sauce.  Thankfully, my favorite condiment (Duke's Mayo) is safe, at least for now!

I am excited and intimidated at the same time.  I am also prayerfully seeking God's guidance in this process.  I know He has a plan for me and my family and I believe that plan includes a healthy lifestyle.

Blessings,
Meri

The Longest Distance

"The farthest distance on earth is between one's heart and one's head."-Unknown

Every day my Instagram and Facebook feeds are filled with little tokens of biblical wisdom.  There are posts about faith and trusting God in difficult times, having an eternal perspective, character is developed through trials.

I read these and I understand them.  I read the verses in my Bible that talk about these same topics-especially the Pauline epistles.  I know that my situation(s) are temporary, all of this life is.  I know that there are millions of people on this planet that experience unspeakable suffering each and every day-far worse than anything I will likely experience in my lifetime.

By my heart refuses to understand.

I feel stuck.  I am in survival mode. Curled up in the fetal position trying to get through just the basic functions of life and just survive each day. 

I cry tears of frustration.  Tears for our financial struggles, tears for my health struggles, tears that come from a deep sense of loss and hopelessness.

Yes, hopelessness.

I know that I should feel hope. That God has given me much and has promised even more.  I know that fear and hopelessness are the exact opposite of faith.  My head knows all of these things, but my heart refuses to process and accept them as truth.

I don't know how to connect the two-my heart and my head.  I don't know when survival mode will end for me.  I want to feel hopeful, it just doesn't seem to be that easy for me.

Maybe I am broken. 

My head knows that God makes broken things beautiful in His time and in His way. 
My heart doesn't understand why I continue to just feel the brokenness. 

My head knows that God's answer is sometimes "no" or "wait". 
My heart is insistent and impatient.

My head knows that my sufferings are inconsequential compared to the sufferings of millions around the world. 
My heart fails to see past the suffering of the moment.

My head knows that the pain of this life is temporary. 
My heart feels like this pain is without end.

My head knows that I am greatly blessed. 
My heart can only see the gaps and empty spaces.

My head knows that it is in those gaps and empty spaces that God's greatest miracles can happen.
My heart feels like those miracles are just not for me.

I have know wise words or poignant scripture today.  The Bible is full of wisdom on this very subject, but I just can't today.  I just can't.

Family Fun Weekend #1

Please note, this is post #1 in a series of posts I intend to write about our family adventures this summer.  We have decided to attempt to take a day-trip (or longer) at least every other weekend this summer and then I will post about our experience.  By titling this one #1, I am committing myself to #2 and beyond.....right!?!

Friday night we decided to explore Winston-Salem's culinary scene.  We landed at Bad Daddy's Burger Bar....it was totally worth the 30 minute wait, just to see my son unhinge his jaw like an anaconda!!!

On Saturday, we headed west towards Statesville and stumbled on Lake Norman State Park.  Thankfully, there was a swimming beach open to the public and we were ready to cool off!

After 2 hours at the lake and in the water, we were all tired.  But we had big plans-drive in movies in Eden with our friends the Fassetts!!!!

The first movie was "Jurassic World"

So we watched a movie about dinosaurs.

Big dinosaurs with big teeth.  In the dark.  Outside.  In the woods.

Thankfully the next movie was.......

Love Love Love this movie!!!!  Just as good as the first-maybe better!

It was a great time, all of the kids had fun.  They met new friends and played all evening and into the night.  We sat outdoors and enjoyed the fresh air and films.  We also enjoyed the very loud go-cart that the theater employee drove (insert sarcasm here).  My husband even offered to relocate the go-cart keys for him, free of charge.

So we arrived home around 3 am on Sunday.  Needless to say we ALL slept in-thankfully church service is not until 5 pm!

Looking forward to sharing many more adventures with you!

Becka out.

Painfully Transparent

Today, I had planned to post about our awesome adventure this weekend.  I was going to share a few pics of what we did and tell you about how our family had a great time bonding with each other and our good friends.

But that is not what this post is about.

This post is about being painfully transparent and letting you look into our lives without the filter we usually apply.

We are still struggling financially.  We still fail to choose joy many days.  We know love is everything, but we let anger and disappointment and fear rule our lives and our family too much. We are full of good intentions, but fail to follow through on so many of them.  We continue to repeat the mistakes of our past, seeming to never learn or grow.

There are some tough decisions we have to make over the next few days that will require us to achieve a level of honesty about who we are and the choices we've made that I am not sure we have experienced yet.

The lies of the enemy echo in my head: "you are not good enough", "you have disappointed people-again", "you are not where you should be by now", "you will never measure up". 

But it is here, in this gap-this in-between space, that God whispers "You are Mine and I love you."

The One Who Sees Me.  El Roi.

He sees all of me.  The rebellion of my heart against my husband when I fail to submit.  The anger and resentment my still-rebellious heart harbors and refuses to release to Him.  He sees my pride, bitterness, unhealthy habits, and all of the other failures I try to hide from the world.

I am ashamed.  I have failed to be obedient to my husband.  Oh, not overtly disobedient in the manner of a wayward child that defies a parent.  But I have harbored a rebellious heart.  I have made it difficult for him to lead me.  I have quietly, almost subconsciously (but not quite), rebelled against his leadership and his decisions.  I have embodied the saying of "happy wife, happy life" or more appropriately the flip side of "unhappy wife, unhappy life".  I have said I will follow his lead with my mouth, but refused to do so with my heart.  This man, this husband of mine, whose main desire is to obey God by serving me, wants so desperately to make me happy.  And I have used that desire as a tool to get my way (I was trying to think of a better way to word that which would not make me appear quite so manipulative, but this is titled "Painfully Transparent" so....).

This failure to submit to my husband, to listen and follow his guidance with grace and honor, is a symptom of a deeper issue.  Too often, my feeling of worth is defined by society deems valuable.  But my Father has a different definition of value and purpose.  His Word reminds me that all of my value is in who I am in Him and only by His grace and the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ, do I have any value at all.  My worldly value was lost on that day in Eden when Eve chose to disobey Adam and God and ate of that one forbidden tree.

 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”
² And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; ³ but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’”
⁴ Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. ⁵ For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”  -Genesis 3:1-5

Not only was Eve's choice sinful because she ate from the one tree that was forbidden, she sinned by disobeying her husband.  And so have I.

My heart is grieved by this.  My heart is heavy with the burden of sin.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  

-Romans 7:18- 

But there is hope.

There is a way to relieve my heart of it's burden.  I am not destined to continue to sin.  I do not have to reside in this place of grief for one more day.

This does not mean I will never sin.  I will make mistakes.  I will make selfish choices.  I will make poor decisions based on my human heart's desires.  I will grieve.  My heart will break.  I will break others' hearts.  There will be sorrow and pain in my future.

But I am not doomed to remain in a place of grief and heartache forever.  I will not dwell in sorrow and pain forever.  My Jesus took that away from me on the cross, I have only to accept the gift.

"The heart of the human problem is the heart of the human.  And God's treatment is prescribed in John 3:16." -Max Lucado

Blessings,
Meri

 

Sweetly Broken

At the cross, You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees
And I am lost for words, so lost in love
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

(Jeremy Riddle-Sweetly Broken)

Today, I am broken.  Physically broken.  

Yesterday, I saw my new pain management specialist and he recommended trigger point injections to relieve my Myofascial Pain Syndrome pain in my shoulders and neck.  He assured me there was only a very slim chance (less than 5 percent) that I would not be able to make my trip today.

This morning, I woke up with severe pain in my right shoulder and arm.  Clearly, I should not bet on cards (or anything else for that matter).

I so desperately wanted to go on this trip.  To fulfill the promise I made to the company I am contracting with, to help my family financially.

But here in the space, this gap between what I want and what is reality-God meets me here.  He reminds me that my brokenness is His power.  That He can use me in any state, even with a broken body and unpredictable illness.

He also reminds me that He is sovereign over my life, my health, and my finances.  He is Jehoveh-Jireh:  The One Who Provides.

I feel broken today, but I am not without hope.  I am not with out answers.  I am not without love.

And love is everything.

So today, I will choose joy.  I will trust Him with my circumstances.  I will trust Him with our finances and our marriage.  I know He is able to provide more than I can even dream of!

Blessings,
Meri