It is hard to believe we have lived without Logan for 2 months. Most of the time it feels like I am in suspended animation, watching the world continue to live when I am stuck-barely able to get through the motions of daily life. I am on autopilot.
Here's the thing, I am not strong and I am not dealing with the loss of our son well.
Not.at.all.
I have created a virtual prison for myself with the words "I'm fine" or "things are good". I have locked myself behind a wall of polite responses and forced smiles. The truth is so far from the image I portray as to not cause others discomfort by telling them what is really going on behind that wall.
Every time I see teenagers moving on with the next steps-driving, dating, homecoming, prom, graduation-my heart breaks just a little more knowing that Logan will never experience these things. I know he is in a place where the things of this earth no longer matter, but I am not in that place and they matter to me.
I have to clothe myself in strength and dignity because there is still life to be lived here, even with this gaping hole in the middle of it. My husband needs me to be strong. My daughters need me to be strong. I have to be able to focus on my job and produce good results.
But sometimes, in the rare quiet moments when I am alone with just me and my thoughts, I break. Actually, it's more like I shatter. I have to wait until I know I am alone because I fear that once the flood of tears and emotions starts, I will not be able to stop it.
So, while I may aspire to be clothed in strength and dignity, right now I am simply a shell of a wife and mother trying to patch the cracks in my armor.
Blessings,
Meri
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