Thursday, July 16, 2015

Not Ever Again

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post entitled "Not Yet" about our struggle with secondary infertility and trying to understand God's plan for our family.

Well, it seems, His answer is actually "not ever again".

I won't go into the specifics, but God has made it clear that I will not have any more children that come from my own womb.

It's a fresh and raw pain right now and I am not sure how I feel about it yet. Well, that's not entirely true-I feel peaceful and grateful. Peaceful because I know we are making the right decision and grateful that this condition is not more serious and can be solved with a simple surgery.

I don't know if I will still feel this way after the surgery is done, but I do know one thing: God will love me and walk with me through this journey no matter how I feel. And He has blessed me greatly with a husband who will do the same.

I know that this is the end of a chapter in our lives, but not the closing of the whole book. I know that ending one chapter is necessary to begin a new one, a potentially better one. But I think all endings come with some feelings of grief and loss.

I also know that there are other ways to grow our family. My husband and I both come from families deeply ingrained in the miracle of adoption-me being adopted myself and Rick having an adopted brother. This has given us both a heart for adoption as well as a clear understanding of the challenges it entails.

We don't have the answers as to what this will look like for our family, but we do know that God's plan and His timing are perfect and we are willing. Right now we are just following His lead, one step at a time.

I love the psalmist's word choice here.."a lamp". I envision a lantern or maybe even something like a candle, lighting just the next step on the path. It is such a beautiful illustration of how our Heavenly Father works-we need not worry about what is 10 yards or 10 miles down the road for us, because He has already been there. Our future is a memory for Him. All we need to do is trust and keep our eyes fixed on Him.