Thursday, July 2, 2015

Pain in the Midst of Joy

God has shown us great mercy in recent weeks. He has answered prayers in ways I could not have even imagined. I am daily reminded of one of my favorite verses:
But tonight, I sit here in pain. I feel overwhelmed with the ache of my heart and the physical pain of my broken body.

I feel frustration at the fact that my body is so broken at what seems to be too soon in my life. I still have children to raise. I still desire to bear another child. But my body aches. It hurts to breathe tonight. It hurts to type this. It hurts to lay down or sit up or walk.

God has greatly blessed so many of our dear friends lately. I see pictures and hear joyous birth stories.

Yet my womb is empty and my heart feels that way tonight as well.

I want to share these feelings with those around me, specifically my husband. But all I can seem to do is cry and lash out. I feel lonely and misunderstood. I feel alone in this place of conflict and pain.

I don't feel like I even have the right to feel this pain. I am disappointed in myself for being a whiner...a complainer. I recognize that, in the scheme of things, I have much to be grateful for...perhaps too much. But in this moment, the tears course down my cheeks and my heart is shattered by loss and grief, by fear, by loneliness, by feelings of inadequacy and failure.

It is not just my struggle with secondary infertility. It is not simply our financial concerns. It is not only my health concerns and the fact that I left my doctor's office with more questions than answers today.

It is the cumulative effect of all of these things. It is the constant buzzing in the background of my life that prevents me from fully focusing on God's grace and glory.

Tonight I hurt. And I know others hurt. And we should all know that we are not alone.