Friday, May 1, 2015

Identity Crisis

I read the e-mail with a sense of anticipation and excitement. "Please add me to your LinkedIn contacts-I have an AR Director position you may be interested in, please call me".  I immediately picked up the phone and called the number listed in the e-mail.

32 buildings, 6 states, extensive travel, significant compensation (more than I have ever made).  For a family that is struggling financially, it seemed to be a gift from God.

Or was it?

Over the past few months, God has led me (and our family) down a path of refinement and reduction.  He has revealed that this "American Dream" of more money and more material belongings is only an illusion.  We have been committed to pursuing a different life, a life emptied of the things of this world so that it may be filled with God.

So why was I so easily caught back in that trap of finding my identity in a job?  Why did my heart skip a beat at the idea of having the title of "AR Director"?  How did I so quickly forget that my identity is entirely defined by my relationship with Jesus Christ?

I asked for prayer and I have such sweet friends that dropped what they were doing and immediately petitioned God on my behalf; praying for wisdom in making this decision and praying that not only would I seek God's guidance, but that I would follow His guidance, even if it was not what I expected or desired.

Suddenly, I realized what I would be sacrificing for a 6-figure salary and self-important title.  Mornings making breakfast for my kids, watching them grow and learn through the homeschooling process, being available to my family when they need me to kiss boo-boos, heal hurting hearts, or just be silly and fun.  I would be sacrificing my home, the time I have to take care of the space where we do life to make it pleasant and welcoming.  Not to mention, I would be sacrificing my health-travel and stress cause major problems with my fibromyalgia and ME/CFS, which then takes time away from my family.

While the world would see the choice as obvious-a good-paying job is a great solution for a family struggling to make ends meet; God reminds me that I am not of the world.  His plans are always better.  He has always provided, even through this period of struggle, and I know He will continue to provide.